My partner had a, You should come to our party next Saturday! Sure! conversation at a party, and, being Irish, she figured it was a friendly fun thing that people say and promptly forgot about it. My apologies, Manattee. I mean its not only that they arent invited, but theyre excluded from the conversation almost by default. Perhaps its an issue of having strong boundaries, not sure. LW, it seems possible that your workmate also regards home visits as a level of intimacy that is too much for a co-worker. and our I actually thought about the nude Brazilian implications but I couldnt figure out a way to phrase it that didnt include them. Maybe Im misinterpreting because I dont know the LW or her friend but it seems much more intense than to say hi. I love her dearly but I need more notice than wanna go out in an hour? I dont mind being asked because sometimes I do wanna be spontaneous but I also probably will say no most times and would like to not have to be in the position to have to constantly be the naysayer. I told another one of these people, its a small place, there isnt enough room for everyone to sleep, and they offered to rent an RV and park it in the yard! If the LW texted and asked if she could come by, thats definitely still inviting herself over. In your case, maybe it would help if you tried throwing out lines like if you have any advice, feel free when discussing your problems? Offer To Fix Him A Meal "The White House has invited me & I think it's a step in the right direction. Its often said that a way to a guys heart is through his stomach. I am not good at dealing with such people. The reason is that I didnt invite you. I think it comes from the assumption that people in certain cultures have that everyone keeps their houses a basic level of clean. If you are sure about him then just go ahead and ask him and the truth is he probably wont say no if he desires the same thing as you. Needless to say, the other person they were secretly dating turned up while I was still there. Are you free to catch up for coffee after class? If a bunch of friends are planning a road trip or going camping. I dont think either method is wrong, but its hard to make them compatible. I cant describe the horror that washes over me at the thought of a random drop-in, and there is not one single person on the face of the earth that could do that and not trigger that reaction. And if Im definitely not in the mood to hang out, its painfully awkward for everyone involved if I have to ask you to go away. Please. My mother always really, REALLY hated unexpected guests and visitors, and if someone showed up unexpectedly she would be icily polite until they left and then bitch about them for hours afterwards and for the following couple of days. I am sitting here listen to someone honk their horn every 20 seconds for, I dont even know, 5 minutes? Inviting yourself to someone else's house is presumptuous and rude. My French teacher taught me a great saying (in English, no less!) Or Im burnt out and demand me time just because. It could also mean that he really enjoys your company and just wants to hang out. Ive dropped in on people, but I make it a point to A) ask if this is an okay time/are they busy/etc and B) not be more than 10 minutes unless I am absolutely sure its okay to hang out for a bit (ie. Ohhhhhhh yeah. The solution is to not let her throw it back at you. I mind people looking at my mess! I finally had the realization a couple of years ago that all of my friends dont necessarily want to hang out with each otherthey dont all like each other as much as I like them/they like meand so maybe some of them are relieved to see me one on one, instead of in a group-forced-interaction situation. Would that be fine, too? I suppose the modern equivalent is mostly not responding to a text for six hours and then going whoops, phone was off. I called her up, hey, Id love for you to come, havent heard back, let me know. Its like that one time Johnny England went a wandering without saying when that one time was. Im glad Im not the only person who got a needy vibe from that. But thats not whats being discussed in this subthread the question was raised whether it was a priori needy to stop by someones work to get a hug. The calling out thing troubles me. Dear LW YES SAME. I have a friend who clearly, desperately wants to be in my social circle and has tried to push the issue in a number of ways. Her depression means that sometimes shit just doesnt get done, but her mental and physical health outweigh the need to vacuum or wash up. I definitely make sure my friends all know that I might have to cancel closer to an event if Im feeling terrible (depressive/anxiety). Your apartment is definitely not an option coz lets assume you have a roommate who probably doesnt feel great about it. I try to make it clear in my texts that the visit is (a) optional and (b) short duration. PLEASE CALL ME. I am one of those people who might indeed be home when a friend calls, but that doesnt mean Im not working on something/enjoying my precious downtime/up for entertaining a guest at any given moment. Also works for anything else youve been asked to schedule in advance. I have a friend whose cousin will consistently show up to small gatherings dinner parties or tiny birthday parties, cocktail outings for girls nights out because they were mentioned to her and she decided that, having been mentioned to her, this was enough to consider herself invited. Unfortunately, that was the one night that both of us had to work a weird evening shift, which was highly unusual (there were maybe three times that year that happened). Get him involved in the plans, but don't put him to work. So I think it has a context where its useful. Goodbye, next time call a day or two in advance and we can schedule something.. I was coming to say the same thing. How about the next weekend?. Just as we should all do our best to remember that judging people for a less-than-Monica-level clean home is not OK, its also sort of uncool to judge the Monicas of the world. When I really wanted to connect with someone, I used to read the soft no as a problem that I could solve, like, Oh, thats not a problem, I can come to you instead! I will deliver the free comic books to your house, along with ice cream, and that random vacuum cleaner part you once mentioned in passing that you needed! I looked at the reason for the refusal and ignored that it was a refusal.. She may ask you to pass her her bag or move around you to get her bag. Let that one go, ok? Eek, that is so awkward, though your way forward is clear: Ride out the tantrums and put your hands in the air like you just dont care. Its the soft no issue. You go on a date and have a great time; you hang out, drink, and have a nice time, but he is not asking you to come over. Provided it is offered in good spirit and without unpleasant tone, I regard it as a gift that might be useful to me. If you enter an already-going conversation specifically about a wedding I dont think you can claim that the topic is there to taunt you about what youre missing out on. If we were early, shed make my father drive us around the block until the correct time. It appears that the situation has changed, but I dont think theres anything to be gained by retroactively criticizing the LW for something which we cant know the appropriateness or not of at the time. When, or if, is it okay to try to invite yourself to something? Now one is enforcing etiquette rules, and the other is wondering if theyre really rules so as to figure out if any were broken as though knowing that would make her right and her friend wrong. The only difference I can tell between this and the bike incident is that it was about a bike and it would be me dropping by her home rather than office. They get so angry. WE DONT KNOW. But, it's still a bit strange, at least for me, to invite yourself and others to a home that isn't yours. Id agree its worth checking in with your friend, LW, to say something like hey, I didnt mean to intrude the other day and Im sorry that I did. I also think that Ask vs. I feel a bit more strongly than you about being someones hug person. Id never get out of my car and go up to someones door when I havent been specifically invited; that would be really rude to me. Like, weddings often include a cost per person and youre not going to suck up that cost for everyone and their dog just because they want to come. So maybe but I guess will never know. But you might have luck with at least some friends. They would assume that they were invited to share meals with us if they happened to be over at our house when we were about to eat. Anything less clear than that (ME: What are you doing after kickball? / THEM: Were going to the Pun-Off!), and I assume that I am not invited. A lot. Suddenly and without warning, she was acting like wearing the right thing to an event and sending a thank-you note on the right stationery was the most important thing. Dont just show up. Generally, with close friends, I do the text and make plans like now approach. My brother and sister-in-law wound up super-stressed because not only did her mother and father invite themselves over, but they brought her brother, his wife and their twin toddlers. Then again, those were people who didnt expect you to drop every little thing to amuse them, and before living in a way that wouldnt allow for friends to stop by without cleaning for hours werent a thing, either. Visit with the parent while the kids bash about. Unfortunately, it has also become increasingly common for burglars (disguised as solicitors) to case a home by ringing the bell to see if a residence is unoccupied. Its harder to say no than yes, so phrasing the question in a way that they dont have to say no makes a huge difference. Hope to catch up soon. And then let her be the next one to reach out. Midwesterners. Im not saying this is rational, but tell that to teenage me, who was so quiet that people did actually forget about her! Im going to share what Im comfortable with and Im going to kick the rest under the bed until you leave. She has been known to call AND SHOW UP IN PERSON WITHOUT AN APPOINTMENT at my workplace, even. So there is one more game to play, one more thing to try together. I think Id find a different vacation place and then NEVER tell anyone else where we were going or when! I can see the conflict between desires, but it seems like it might be easier or at least less violating for people who want unexpected visitors to encourage them to drop by whenever than for people who dislike it to tell people to go away. But in Small Town, on the rare occasions when it wasnt a good time for hanging out, no matter how low-grade, it was very hard to say that in a socially acceptable way. At the time we were both only working part time with some help from my student loans, and making an extra meal, possibly for all three of us, wasnt always a welcome expense. I also know you're afraid of getting a response because that means you have to take the next steps. Dont demand. Me: Probably.. 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