Understand that it's natural to still love your ex. she said mayb I wasnt the right guy See, if you decide what you want to do with a relationship based on a feeling of being in love, then you are in for trouble. You cant just say, Because I know. That wouldnt be strong enough for him. He said he had not realized that and we discussed having a date night. I dont trust my own judgement anymore. But you would like to change him. Furthermore, the fact that he did NOT go to counseling and also did not divorce his wife (in the beginning) means he was not trying to fix his problem. My boyfriend and I were together for 4 and a half years when I was anonymously sent a link to an ad he posted in the personals section looking for casual sex. but the other person continued to try to contact me. When teenagers cling together the way you describe you and your boyfriend did, it shows that you each had some insecurities to begin with. Hi Craig & Good Therapy Team- First you say you werent sure you even wanted to continue the relationship. When I look at him, I just see a liar who was so arrogant that the safety of my daughter was jeopardised. I didnt want to be like my father and since I finally realized what I was doing, I was able to significantly control my anger from then onward. After a year things changed slowly. Then I would take that information and have a heart to heart talk about your sex life with your husband and where you want to go. What do you think I should do? Hi Bronny, She is taking money from me but goes home and sleep with her baby father who doesnt give her fig leaf. In plain English, this means your ability to exercise logic and reason is switched pretty far off when you're in love with someone, but if you hate them, you can exercise better. Negativity? She then a couple days later gets very wishy washy, I saw her at Starbucks and I didnt realize she was trying to give me a hug and she took 15 minutes to convince that I too wanted to hug her. I loved my girlfriend Tanya but whilst I was going through a rough time I spoke to another girl and it relived my stress and made me feel happy.I thought I started to get feelings for this girl (it wasnt I just liked talking)and I told my gf. I am utterly devastated. I dont even enjoy being intimate with him anymore. Or keep trying ? That was when I know I need him in my life and I no longer can deceive myself anymore. also i never had the intension to hurt him purposely. When we moved out to the new area she shut me out completely. What can I do? He told me that Peter had no rights to joining in our shared meal .. despite the fact that both our mutual friend & I invited him to stay. w/o seeing the red flags in him or perhaps you wanted to overlook them means that you also may need other help. How long do I wait to contact her or reach out to her. Do you think theres still a chance for us? Often we go into a relationship looking for all the validation, nurturing, warmth and support that parents didnt give us. After the breakup or the loss of a loved one, you will feel powerlessbut that's okay. She finished college and at 29 got pregnant with a guy she was dating for a couple months. Now we are at a crossroads where Ive hurt him so much that he cant let go and cant forgive me, even though all these events happened at least 2years ago. I didnt want to move away and be alone while dealing with issues in our relationship. My mind immediately snapped to a point where everything was plain to see and I decided to go to anger management. Her own family even neglected her. This is a update on my previous post and I really really need your advice. We fought a lot about money and being broke and our intimate life became non-existent and problems in the bedroom because how much we fought and never settled anything. So my stuff is up there shes living 2 hours away from where I am now. He has started to see a psychologist, and I have also met with the psychologist. I knew the guy from working with my ex. Help Im confused and really want to fix our marriage. At the moment, I dont want to stay in the marriage because of him, I only want to stay in the marriage because of the impact on the wider family and also I really love my stepchildren we have day-to-day care of them, I spend more time with them than their biological parents do, and I dont want to lose them from my life. She has to be willing to step outside of herself and do the hard work. We were in the same house together for most of this time and slowly it turned into taking a break rather than breaking up. Promised to change. Can i pleasr get sime advice on how can i bring back my sons mothers feelings back so she can love me the way i do, i want us to stay together as a family, but apperently she had strong feelings for another man, what can i do to win her back, i am trying my all, i changed all my ways for. They'll never leave each other. Even a rough idea of a timeframe would be helpful to me in deciding on whether I stick it out or bow out now. idk . for me to wake up, for me to finally have a thing I could point to without being told I was crazy or making mountains out of molehills. Do you offer skype counceling? Now all his money just goes there and he gives me a little bit from each check. ( yes were young) we got into a argument while I wasnt there because I felt like something was off, like something wasnt right, and I always asked him are you doing anything your not suppose to be doing. I thought you said the gut is just a dude that comes in the hood. No matter how much technology has advanced over centuries, this trick still remains relevant today because it never fails to put a smile on any womans face, which will then automatically put both you and her at ease. They would still have sex but it wasnt meaningful to partner one the way it had been. And I asked him does he know her he said no . Should I be concerned that he seems to loose his mind when he receives sexual attention from women? Although it was very out of character for me I recently cheated on him with another man who makes me feel happy and wanted. Spark a Love Connection Anyway, please see an MFT together. I have been hurt so much that, some of the days I could actually feel the process of my heart as it breaks into peaces. I havent been insane and yelling at her like crazy. I just want my family back, and I know I messed up. For me its these small things that warm my heart. First of all, why dont you discuss this with your therapist? I love him more than anything and I would do anything to make this right again. I know that we each individually have to work on ourselves and make progress but the way she is dealing with things right now I wonder if there is a future for us. Especially since it is only recently in which Ive started to figure out who I really am, beyond the grasp of my controlling family and safety blanket. Someone help :(. Dont let yourself follow their bunny trails. Im still hurt, though we are moving on, and I have no plans on leaving him. And later imprisoned and tortured for a year. i have done it twice and thrice and he is done with me now and has lost his trust in me . but instead of telling me about the incident, he lied to me , to my face. She said we needed space because we were arguing too much and we were. Oh yowies eeks!!!! Please help. i just said all the bad words coz i felt negelected and i wanted him to know how i feel but eneded up abusing him. I told him at the beginning that I didnt want to sleep with the whole town, that I want to be exclusive with one guy. There was a week or two where it was constant talking about it. Its easy to see when people are lying. But there's a fine line between "want" and "need," and when the "need" outweighs the "want," you have a . Generally, people dont change in their deepest core too readily. i have been with this guy since march last year overseas then when i got home we didnt stop being in touch the whole year and this christmas he came with his mom. My relationship is of almost 4 years and hasnt been going great recently. When we first met I fell for him instantly. Then with him working out of town with little time to talk its even more difficult. Well I did not want to dwell on that since she already told me not to worry about him. I started to frantically look for ways to fix the situation and I think that I came across as too needy. We have 2 children. So your idea to get some space was good. And he responds this way: "Yeah, I mean, that's not "all" of it, but it's a lot. In a love-hate relationship, you love and hate each other with passion. He makes it seem like hes too busy for me now. bucan he fall back in love withcan I gain his trust back can he fall back in love with me how do I try what do I do would there be a chance for us to have a happy life and live long together, I am so sorry for the way I wrote this but I have trouble texting on my phone because its so small so I apologize I hope you can understand what I said I use the microphone. This is killing me, he would do anything for me, and I know this, but I dont believe it. Practice Management Software for Therapists, Rules and Ethics of Online Therapy for Therapists, How to Send Appointment Reminders that Work, https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html, https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html, https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html, https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html, https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/bipolar, https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/domestic-violence, How to Plan a Scandinavian Marriage ceremony - ShopShopChina | Online Manufacturer & Wholesaler for Young Men. I know and accept he is married, I wouldnt want his wife nor would I expect him to leave his wife because they have been together a long time, I simply like what we have between us. I am in agony. We had a lot of fun and great moments spent together. Maybe he is saying it w so much certainty because HE didnt change! I email her from where I was and tell her I was taking time to reflect on my behavior and how I could better react next time. He was very remorseful of his actions and said he didnt intentionally do them and felt horrible for hurting me. Then I found messages from him and his ex off Facebook, I could only see what she wrote and she said your happy with jess and Im working things out with my baby daddy. I just found this website searching for links to help save my marriage. Can I say something here? Thank you, Team for keeping an eye out here. I previously had a relationship where I was cheated on numerous times in the past. You didnt respond but thats ok, thats not why Im writing. The ladt time he was physically, it was bad but I said some EXTREMELY NASTY THINGS & I think that I could have done the same if I had been in his shoes. We were intimate 3 and a half weeks ago. I suppose Im worried about the future. This makes sense: security is something that is not just behavior, but feelings about oneself at the core. And you should not have gone there, either. And i really dont want to lose him at all. We have been talking and trying to work on things but his biggest issues is that I dont want to be vulnerable in terms of getting sexually involved with him until I see and feel a change in him. Somethings mixed up here. Hi Dr. Deb My stupid comment on top of everything else I did ruined everything. After the last time we were intimate he told me he was going to try and date to get past this. I had shut myself off from dating for years, but he caught me by surprise, and before I knew it, I was in love. there was Cheating,verbal abuse, drug use, and been an absent and irresponsable father. It seems all the men in her life ran from her after they got to know her. You wont have to force it; it, too, will be a natural process. Me and my ex were dating for about 5years and 3 months. Then ask him how you can make it up to him. Work on being the best person you can be. After talking with a very close friend Id come to see that he was toxic, made things move too fast, and when something ticked him off, it actually triggered something oddly hostile in him. Now he wont forgive me. I literally do anything and everything for this man but he would not lay with me. We planned to get married in 2016, but this month he pulled away from me because he didnt think we would work out anymore. Now dont get me wrong. Until these funny things get 110% cleared up, I would not trust him no matter how nice he is to you. He stopped and has only done it once since. I know I love her with every ounce of my being, but throughout the relationship, I managed to abuse her physically and mentally. Or am I just too stupid to see that he is playing me and toying with my emotions? Thank you for reading all this, Hi, my ex and I dated for 2months, she was madly After I discovered some more of his hurtful ways with communicating with other women I moved out. He didnt know what his problem was, he didnt like the fact of him cheating on me, and he didnt want to lose me. I never cheated. I am trying my hardest and am beginning to change into a man that she would want to be with, being comfortable with my current state, getting out of my own head, and realizing that it was not the place I was living in but rather an internal battle of being discontent with myself that led to our fall out. Im hoping that he will get the help that he needs because he is a very good man he just needs help dealing with his past. I tried using that. And, I have a son and he was 5 when my ex & I started dating. So u gave her money and she left. At about 4 months in, I ran into my ex and she asked me questions I could not answer like what does this new girl do that I didnt and do you love her to make a long story short, I told her that I didnt love her anymore, and never really did, and she FREAKED OUT! She also hasnt asked for a divorce and I dont want one either. How does one physically connect with a man, who chose to take this road, without fear of rejection as has been the norm with him? Perhaps you need to work a bit on your own sense of self-esteem and self-confidence. We have a son who will be 3 in august and a daughter who is 9 months old. But my parents did not let me leave with him. Im still stuck back at the moment you walked into his LR and he did not hug and kiss you and say to the other girl, Here is my girlfriend, Carmen. And why was she his wallpaper if she just came to visit his mother? In that moment without realizing it I hurt my husband in a way it dont know if I can ever repair. For example he was working out of town and he stated that he had no service in the casino/area he was in and didnt get in contact with me for few hours. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. Started dating a girl 6 months ago and she from the beginning has been warm and very sweet and seemed very into me, and me very into her. Hit.I know she loves me but she hardly talks to meme anymore ignores me doesnt find me interesting and pulling away from me and Im am starting to feel like pull in out myself. I do not believe this can be accomplished without outside help. I have done my best to be introspective and figure out where I need to change, and contemplate how I can be a better person. I really mean intimacy: Sharing your soul. Dear Dr, People (including him) will see your effort and you will reap the love and success from your efforts in other areas of your life. I seen a counselor Tuesday and explained how im almost 6months pregnant, ive been with my bf 14months and I feel very little support. For sure though, do not start a new relationship when youre in an old one. I dont know how to start this because I dont understand it myself but Ill do my best. As much as I love her, shes making me sick. How can I make him confident enough in me to try and forgive? If he comes to the conclusion that he does want to try to make this work, how do I get over all of the hurt and betrayal? We produced 3 kids, bought and sold homes, built a business and when I went through a major depressive episode 3 years ago he didnt even notice! Please help. I cant tell without more information. He now realized how wrong he has been and is fully committed to change everything and to show me how he is putting me always first, no matter what. There is so much that go into a marriage. He didnt seem to like that very much. Craig you have no idea how i feel everyday i just want thibgs to be the way They used to be. Hi Cristina I said no you come in. I asked him to move on but he didnt. It was to a point where I began to question everything he did and started looking through his phone every so often (which I know I should not have done). Since then there have been a couple of other moments where I have got drunk and hurt him. With proper therapy, he will be able to be more of himself, someone you can connect to. I Was speaking to some other guy that I know & he got mad & didnt want to speak to me , I was sad , because I missed him. One morning while waiting for the school bus to come and pick up my daughter, she came outside swearing at me that we clearly missed the bus and told me to start acting like an adult. We have a 5 and a 3 year old and this past November I was notified of my employers intention to dismiss me, I would be paid until the end of the year and I have already lined up a new position. You deserved to be dumped. Am I crazy for trying so hard? Even if those thoughts are about how annoying you think they are, if you're spending a . I know I did not handle it right myself. To the point where hed find me sickening and he would cry. She never believes me when I compliment her in the past. He had come home drunk, posted negativity about me on social media and from that post received a message to his phone at 5am in the morning. You need to find yourself academically, vocationally, spiritually, emotionally. And we became friends again. I was pretty much begging him to take me back, and we met up at the park earlier so we could talk. I got clean last time, this time is was sporadic use, and bloody stupid. Few mins later she showed up at my house. I feel like ive moved on and have met an incredible woman and i really care for her deeply. There have been some mistakes in the past 9 years that hurt me over and over, and I stopped letting myself be vulnerable to them by closing myself off from him about 4 years ago. Just because of the way he doubts me. As time went on we started becoming emotionally abusive to each other, i.e. Again, my head understands that we tried that (being together to fix things) and nothing changed. He has told me I need to get back the strong woman I once wasthe one he fell in love with. What can I do? What makes it worse is that from talking to him, there are no signs, or anything. 3. Its like hes stalling to even try to make progress. But after hurting him so much and leaving him in so much despair, he now is numb and lazy to hang onto this relationship anymore :( im really depressed about it and idk how to win him back. Before we started dating, we were really good friends and have a lot in common. I was naive in thinking that not reaching my goals wouldnt hurt anyone. I will change those behaviours. You have to take responsibility for your own choices. I was ignoring her and thinking that she just needed to grow up and be a stronger woman! However, right now I am in so much pain. The neediness and the abuse all lead me to think that the self-love is missing and may be missing from your gf as well. The next day he ignored me as if I did something wrong and didnt speak to me until that night I asked him again has he done anything with anyone he again said no he never touched anyone the next day I went looking through our phone rcords and I saw a call I called back the number on my phone and I introduced myself to them as his fianc and they said I was lying because they were just with him last night. She hasnt left but she has said shes hurt and that she dont know if she can ever feel the same way about me again. I feel like you could have summed this up by saying this: Shes a few years younger. They love and hate themand that's normal. We struggled with this issue as one of our only fights over the course of 3-4 yrs. Just sex out of frustration and anger and an addiction to the feeling of being desired. I was recently in a relationship for the past 5 years. I cant lose her! On the back of the first drunken night I went to therapy, but I dont feel any real improvement in myself. I trusted him. Im trying to forgive myself for unknowingly hurting him. Shehas permanent hearing loss, so this I We just recently relocated 2 the Seattle area. Literally the day after we were married he was a completely different person. So along with medications and spinal surgery he has resorted back to using pot. In functional relationships, the ambivalence tends to be short-lived. Of course she has been living this type of comment but i usually ignored. I see my therapist tomorrow, but Ive had an ache in my gut all day. If your career really is more important, youll only hurt her again. Here are some steps that you both can take: 1. But she also didnt do anything to try and fix it. So when she came in Tuesday I asked isnt the same guy we went to home depot last yr is your babyfather?.